Tea Bagging: The Unknown Dangers

Recent studies and surveys have shown that a large percentage of today's youths and elderly are unaware of the potential dangers of tea bagging. This form of tea-bagging is not to be confused with that of windsurfing or other watersports where an individual is "teabagged" when they fall beneath the water of a choppy wave.

After constant pressure from numerous international organisations such as the "Catholic Union for Nominal Tea-bagging" and "Confederation Of Concerned Kins", the "International Directive for Insignificant Offensive Transitory Statistics" was repealed to allow disclosure of the highly confidential statistics for public awareness. Over the past 10 years, awareness of the dangers of tea-bagging as well as the act of tea-bagging has diminished to a state where even the offenders themselves are unaware of what they are doing, much less the dire consequences which may ensue. In 1998, 87.85% of youths (14 - 21) and 93.73% of the elderly (50 - 80) were conscious of the proper approach to tea-bagging, in fact, many of the elderly accredited their health and longevity to daily administration of thorough tea-bagging. Sadly, this level of understanding regarding the therapeutic and holistic benefits of appropriate tea-bagging has not been adequately communicated to the irresponsible youths and cavalier elderly of today's modern society.

Much speculation of the reason behind this alarming trend points to the failing education system. Since it's removal from the primary and secondary syllabus all over the world by their country's respective Board of Studies, the sharp incline in accidents caused by negligent tea-bagging has resulted in an influx of patients to Emergency Rooms or A&Es. In turn, this has led to an insufficient supply of staff to attend to more critical admissions such as those suffering from Influenza which to this day still has no cure.

In light of this situation, a campaign to create awareness of the hazards of reckless tea-bagging has been spearheaded by the "Confederacy for Re-education to the Adolescent Public". Dr. Ben Dover, the chairperson of the organisation has provided a summary of the important details an enthusiastic tea-bagger should always remember.

• The internationally approved method of tea-bagging - the Alaskan snow cone tea bagging which involves putting ice cream or ice on your ball bag before hand.
• Tea-bagging should be done in a safe environment. Sharp objects such as needles, knives and mechanical pencils should be kept away from the tea bag.
• Tea bags come in a variety of sizes. Some may sag more than other. This is natural, no reconstructive procedures are necessary.
  
• Refrain from pulling too hard while tea-bagging.
• Avoid squeezing the tea bag too hard once the desireable effects of tea-bagging have been obtained as the tea bag may rupture, spilling out it's contents.
  
• The optimal temperature for tea-bagging is 36.8 °C (98.2 °F). Tea bagging is paramount in moist environments. Do not expose to extreme temperatures.
  
• Cream may be added while tea-bagging to enhance taste and allow for smoother tea-bagging due to a reduction in friction.
• Avoid sharing or putting unfamiliar tea bags into one's mouth as infectious diseases such as oral herpes may be transmitted.

Further information may be found at your local tea-bagging information centre or on the internet via numerous search engines such as Google.

Do feel free to leave constructive comments regarding the article.

Lurbs yew long time,
Jo(n)

[This report is dedicated to Ici and his alternate personality, Ren.]